I stare out my trailer door, daily, at a girl folding clothes on a platform. She is neither beautiful nor impressive, but I still find myself peering to see her reassuring figure, her slender arms deftly and thoughtlessly folding someone else's shirts and pants. I am reminded of Sommerset's 'of human bondage' and his beguiling waitress; tall and pale with short dark hair, curiously cut and pulled back. She has almost timid features; a small mouth and closely set eyes that stare indifferently out onto her world of foreign garments. Tonight the walnut branches create a pleasing silhouette against the sky, illuminated by the distant flood lights. The yellowing leafs tremble with anticipation. I can see a single star through the boughs and I wonder how far away it is; a billion light years? Perhaps it's an entire galaxy whose light takes a billion years to reach my eyes. It has probably burnt away or exploded, I just don't know it yet. Perhaps, somewhere someone is watching us in a galaxy far away. Am I the ancient light in the eyes of some distant system, am I living out the projected reflections of a planet that died unfulfilled? Maybe somewhere far away a telescope watches me under the tree at night, maybe I am already dead; our planet has faded away and these are the words of my reflected projections traveling at the speed of light in to an infinite abyss. If they had a more powerful telescope they could see into my future, since I am already past, but all i can see is a girl on a platform, standing at my screen door at the speed of light. I seem to always be looking at what has already passed, the distance that separates is always stretched with time and reflections, silhouettes above my evening eyes casting strange shadows on the astral story of my life. Will they see me at the lake standing on the peek, sitting on the deck at the lodge sipping gin and tonic from a collins glass? will they see the turkish waiter? Do they know Thomas Mann, or what a sanitarium is? Did I die a billion years ago? I'm glad I don't know it yet. Maybe this is how i can live forever, as long as somebody out there can see me; the reflection of my life traveling at incredible speeds through the nothingness.
5 comments:
I've had a lot of time on my hands at work lately and I've been reading this Donald Miller book and your writing, well this particular one anyway, almost reminds me of one of his distracted soliloquy's as far as your train of thought goes. Except, less forced. I guess. I don't really know what I'm talking about. Psh. Oh, by the way. Love some of those band/artists. She & Him being a new fave, so thanks. How do you find these people? It's a talent. Thanks. Peace.
I have never read any donald miller but i hear a lot of good things about him. she & him are pretty swell; it's actually m. ward, who is good on his own, and zooey daschanel, one of my favorite actresses. a random recommendation would be to check her out in 'winter passing' and 'all the real girls,' two excellent films.
how do you know anyone can really see you?
also, i've just fallen in love with Sam Phillips. I saw her in SF and she rules my world at the moment.
I don't know if anyone can see me, but everyone always lives as if someone is watching them; their gods, their peers, and their ghosts. I have not heard sam phillips but I'll check her out.
yeah. i have a hard time thinking like that unless i'm in a bit of a funk. my friend and i get into problems sometimes that send us into "existential crisises..." when we talk about them with each other we always start by saying... "i had this existential crisis the other day..." which just means a situation forced us to question the world, our world, and/or God.
and sam is folk some of her stuff is instrumentally very intense and other stuff is really fun. Her latest album is called "Don't Do Anything"
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