four day fragments

she cried, i just stood there
it's hot under these lights--
you get drunk, i'll be our ride
dancing with wine bottles in their hands
pouring rain outside on us
eventually say your last goodbyes
we'll stay here, or go bowling
i think i'll miss you guys
mushroom john just bowled a strike.

he passed the sobriety test
officer i wasn't impressed.
we went to climb the statue
i'll just piss on this wall
the ground won't sway as much
down here there isn't the fall.
we went back to the apartment
i don't remember much after that
except that i threw up before bed.
went down town for coffee next morning
before practice at three--
you guys take shots, we'll get the bucket of balls
annie sliced and then chased after the club--
rehearsal dinner tacos and unfinished ice cream
sneak outside and go sit on the swings
and watch the sun set behind the silo
again and again.

i spent the rest of saturday
looking for a table to belong to,
but everyone was a stranger to me,
so i wandered around pretending i had something to do
wishing i had somewhere to be.
most days i would rather be on my own,
than feeling alone in a crowded place,
you're not really my family, my friends
only empty shirts with a familiar face.

i felt nothing then, but peace and the breeze
feet pumping, sun behind the trees.
i swing and sing the rowing song,
i keep this moment even though it's gone.
time to go back down the hill
you guys drink and we'll play games with brides maids,
al pacino takes three hours to kill deniro
fifteen minutes left an hour ago,
i just want to be coherent tomorrow.

he's not really the one getting married in a half hour
but we'll play along for his free drink
bartender this is the biggest mistake of his life,
our tuxedos make us liars--
2 a.m. stranger, we will give you a ride
so you won't have to stumble down these city streets
don't forget your knives.
she's probably nicer in the daylight

weddings are alright
receptions are depressing
everyone finds tears and wine
but i avoid expressing
anything inside of me
that one might find impressing.
my lack of words, wont to wander
and conclusions drawn about my life
are perhaps the most distressing,
and what i fear i'll never feel
won't always be a blessing

no you didn't slur your speech
i remebered saying the day before
as jim answered the door
still wearing his tuxedo,
he slept on the apartment floor,
on the couch still lay my brother
and we laughed at the parody
of our lives against each other
on a sunday afternoon.
no i can't turn down the sun
idiot