why am i here again?

8/29/2006...

Each day here presents itself with its own problems and tendencies; people fail in work and relationships; bonds are formed and perceptions, good and ill, mesh so the the lines become more distinct as to who here is wanted and who is wanting. Backbiting, disingenuous, melodramatic, fallible; people. I am no longer amazed at the dysfunction and social atrophy of our little community, only slightly amused at the juxtaposition of intention and absurdity. Jeremiah is heart-broken, Solomon speaks of vanity, Sartre of nothingness, while J- and B- can only console each other for their senseless pains. They sympathize with each other and discuss the useless qualities of sympathy; one must be strong and stay positive. More persons arrive and tenitive plans are laid for the next season, so much better than this, our current blunder, but no one really knows, one can only romanticize this occupation so much; more talk concerning the nobility of optimism and avoiding the 'self perpetuating web of depression and feeling sorry for ones self.' No, that's not it, one must stare absurdity in the face, name it, and then move on, feel your pain and realize that everyone feels the same way. Smiles and weary souls breed retarded children, we are going to condescend, mess-up, miss the point and do it all over again, one might as well be honest with themself. This is certainly a comedy of errors and I am without a fellow spectator; I too have become a player. I hate writing about work, about how it goes and how that affects me, but my mind is so stultified by the lack of intellectual breath, like all this smoke in my lungs I am consumed with too many social issues that reek of humanity and infect my spirit, I feel rot inside. It would be a lie, however, to say that I have not learned anything from my peers, for certainly I have, I suppose something about them, about us, will appear in a poorly constructed short story I will write in the abstract future, but I am too weary right now. I think I just need someone else to make myself feel better; another person I can project myself onto in order to feel my own reflection and reassure myself of my own existence...